Thursday, February 28, 2008

It made my heart bleed

Sometimes, I feel that those eyes still haunt me... Those little hands, which bear many scars from the past, hold me back... I can say it broke the tranquility of the "normal" world I lived in and worked for... My world talked about having no strings attached, no relation deep enough to touch my heart and make space for itself. I was scared that my world was changing... I had my plans well set for future - What I want in next 2 years or five years or 10 years... I saw the picture changing - Nothing was so important than wiping those eyes brimming with tears... I was no longer sure what I really wanted...

That was a rainy May afternoon. Rain was falling in its own rhythm... May be it reflected my mood! A visit, which I cannot forget. As always I steeled my mind and heart not to see pain beneath the smiles. I did not want to see because it hurts so much to feel with someone... and cry those silent tears for someone and feel that immense pain in your heart. Every cause I worked for - Let it be the suicide cell or women's cell or orphaned children - it gave me pain. May be it helped me to forget my little pains in comparison with their bigger ones... Though I tried to think of it as a bartering, it was never one. I never had anything to barter with the pain... It was just my heart and my words which I had to offer or a promise to bear their pain. Everytime I moved or worked for a new cause, I thought I have seen enough and I can handle it. But your thoughts are far from reality! It was almost four years that I kept away from front-ending saying that I am too busy with my life.

The last cause I worked with was an easier one... Education of Slum children - Detachment with their reality was a far easier one as you see them in sophisticated surroundings twice a week in their best dresses. And, I had support to carry it out from my closest friend... I had a shoulder to cry on and feel sure that somebody understood what I am talking about. It gave me strength to spend time with desolate elderly in Agathimandiram. Whenever I was in doubt, he was there to support, tell me that there is nothing wrong in crying and feeling for someone. Once he left, I told myself - Its time to live for myself. I did not involve myself in any cause other than by providing monetary support. I told myself I have done enough. Moreover money is something they want and I am giving it. I hid myself well in my "normal" world. I was too busy in acting out a new drama... Till that day, fate made me volunteer for Project Prerna. I thought, this is again an easy one - Computer Education for Under-privileged Girl children.

Though I was a core committee member, I avoided front-ending. I did planning, coordination, collection. I convinced myself that it is enough for now. After all I am busy in the weekdays with work and weekends with friends...Didn't I deserve that much? I had endless reasons to skip the visits till I ran out of excuses on that fateful May day! Even now, I cant explain the stomach pain or the headache I felt that day. I felt, it is my judgment day. I tried to brush of that uneasy feeling. I told myself - This is nothing! But was I really prepared to hide behind that thick shell I surrounded me with? Did I not realise that a pair of eyes and a very thin hand was enough to break my shell? May be I did not see the futility in trying to hide!

As soon as I reached Navajeevana, I tried my best to steel myself and put on that mask with a plastic smile. I slowly realised that smile was fading and it did not have any heart. We all sat down with the kids... I tried to listen to chatter in languages I can understand but cant say a meaningful sentence. Shilpa was talking to them about the agenda and I realised slowly that somebody is sitting on my legs and another person is sitting close to me and my hands were holding them. They adopted me or I adopted them...I am not sure till today. The one sitting on my lap was practically weightless and her hands were like the those of a praying mantis or some creature like that. It was covered with scars, looked like burns...Her body was so hot and it was burning me. The other one sitting next to me looked a bit better other than for the still open bruises which she was picking on...

I did not realise that the comfort I got from holding them was much more than what they got for me... Never thought that I will feel the same pain which drilled me years before. I did not utter a word during the entire session though Shilpa tried to prompt me. May be I did not trust myself to say something and Shilpa understood. I could not eat anything though I had just one glass of juice in the whole day. My kids tried to feed me with their piece of cake, but I thought I will throw up. It may be the pent up sadness of all these years...Or the helplessness I felt... I knew I had 2 choices - Run as far as I can and never turn back or Do a little something for them and share their pain. My confused mind was again playing games... Or may be I did not have any choice.

It was time to say bye... I fingers were in their hands... Those thin hands were like the strongest iron chain ever made in this world... I told them that I will be back, though I was not sure if I can stand the pain. May be they sensed the doubt, uncertainty and fear in my eyes and did not leave my hand... I saw tears in those woeful eyes. I knew I had no choice... Shilpa understood my plight and called the sister. I didn't know whether I wanted to let go those hands... I told Shilpa outside - " I will not come here again. I don't want to." She simply smiled... And I knew that those eyes will haunt me, but still I thought I can go ahead with my life forgetting them if I want to... But the coming week told me - I have no choice! Or may be I never wanted to forget!